I hate boys who think their opinion matters enough that they can just check you out and say “damn” and think that’s compliment but at the same time I love when that happens so I don’t really know what to do about it so I guess I’ll do nothing.
I really wish I had a super strong religious faith because I’ve learned that people who genuinely believe in a god and that everything will be okay as long as they do what they should are always a lot stronger than me. Like my cousin died last year of brain tumors, among other things, and her 14 year old daughter was able to speak at her funeral without a single tear. She was even like, happy sounding. I couldn’t do that at my mom’s funeral in a million years no matter how old I am. And I know it’s because she believes that her mom is a lot happier in Heaven with God where she belongs. That is so amazing to me, that she can just believe in all of that stuff and it can do so much for her. I’m really happy for people who have something like that to believe in. But unfortunately it doesn’t make much sense to me.
I’ve got after school plans tomorrow and I may or may not blog about them afterward
I’m pretty worried about what’s going to be going on in the world when my kids are growing up. I’m worried about the bad things that will be happening and about where technology will be and which war we’ll be apart of and I just hope things turn around so they can grow up safe and happy.
I think the shittiest thing ever is people who are too wrapped up in feeling bad about their life to let people make them happy. Like people care about you and want you to feel good so why don’t you let them do that? I mean it’s not even a big deal I just don’t understand why some people have such a hard time being happy for once. It’s not like my life is any better or worse than yours, my life is my life and it has its ups and downs and even though the downs can REALLY blow I don’t think about it because honestly what’s the fucking point. What is the POINT of turning bad situations over and over in your mind, what does analyzing your silly mistakes get you? Okay so someone said something mean to you, you’ll be okay. Your parents suck? You’re not the only one I promise. We all have our shit but that doesn’t mean we have let it control us. Control your life, it’s your life after all. Keep an open mind and your problems won’t feel so heavy, let people in and you won’t be so lonely anymore. I mean the thought process is so simple but so many people have way too much trouble following it. Wallowing is unnecessary. I mean I do it and sometimes a good wallow never hurts but don’t let your life be one big pity party because people get sick of that shit and people will get sick of you for it. You are the only person that can make you happy. I mean other people can but only if you let them you know? You are the most important person in your life. So I think everybody should try really hard to think of one good thing about their self. And when you do that, think of another one. Then another one and so on. Because you’re a good person and you do have good things about you. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable to really consider how great you are because some people are a little too self conscious to do that. I mean I’m pretty self conscious sometimes but I’m working on it. I have a goal so I’m working toward it. Sometimes I wallow, sometimes I don’t let people make me happy, but I’m trying so hard to change that and you should too because life is a lot better when you love yourself. Like so much better.
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The first time I drove on the road i got pulled over by a state trooper. I’m a very cautious driver like overly cautious and going above 30 mph used to scare me because I felt like I was going too fast. So I was on this road and the speed limit went from 30 to 45 back to 30 and I stayed at 30 the whole time. I would also go toward the right side of the road if other cars were coming on the opposite side because like I’m not trying to get in an accident you know? But a state trooper pulled me over and was like do you know why I stopped you and I said no and she said you were driving like a drunk driver. You were going 15 miles under the speed limit and you kept swerving over the fog line. And I was really stressed so my eyes started watering and my uncle goes she’s just learning to drive this is her first time on the road and the lady went OH and then she started laughing. It wasn’t that bad because I knew she wouldn’t like give me a ticket or anything I mean it was my first time driving what do you want from me. But anyway it was kind of awful and I cried but she was chill about it and I went on my way and now I’m a lot better than I was so that’s good
i like this boy who isnt very happy that much and it makes me really upset. i think he knows i like him but i think he gets a little uncomfortable with it and i dont know why. all i want is for him to be happy now and forever because i really believe he deserves it. and even if he doesnt like me, he makes me happy. talking to him and seeing him, everything about him makes me smile. hes nice and hes smart and hes absolutely gorgeous, the most attractive person ive ever seen and i dont know why i feel this way. i dont think anyone really knows exactly how i feel about him, but this is how i feel. sometimes i wish it wasnt because to me he is just so unattainable that i dont know what to do about. and if he doesnt like me, which i dont think he does, i dont know why. i think im pretty cool but my mom told me sometimes people are intimidated by people like me because im confident and i know what i want and i have a very good opinion of myself. if thats the case, i wish people didnt feel that way. im alright with myself so what im trying to do now is make other people alright with their self and why wouldnt you want someone in your life to do that? why wouldnt you want someone who just wanted to make you feel as good as possible all the time? i guess i dont understand but maybe ill tell him that and maybe he’ll tell me how he feels too. the worst thing about this is that i dont know how he feels. i just assume boys dont like me. i wish it wasnt that way but thats just how i feel. i like me and my friends like me but boys dont usually like me in a romantic way and i dont know what im doing wrong. i dont know what my problem is that makes boys not like me. i dont even want boys to like me, i just want him to like me. but he hooks up with a girl a bit and i know that he likes her but i wish that he didnt because i dont want him to get hurt. thats how i know i really like him. if she liked him too and they were together id be happy he was happy. but she doesnt like him so im scared he’ll get hurt and all i want is for him to be happy. it really sucks. it upsets me how much i like him. i think i like him more than he likes himself and that could make him feel weird. but i dont really know anything so i could be completely wrong. all i know is i like him a lot and all i want in my heart of hearts is for him to like me too.
Yesterday I was p much sobbing on my bathroom floor and then while I was doing it I figured I was so emotional because I’m gonna get my period soon and then I started laughing at how hormonal teenagers are and how it fucks us up and it kind of makes me feel better to know that I can’t really help being this gay
i really don’t like to think about getting older like i’m scared. i don’t know why i’m so scared. it’s just like getting older is something i can’t control, so even if i’m not ready i still have to do it. i don’t know like i’m not really looking forward to the day that this time isn’t going to exist anymore. like i can’t remember being a little kid and i wish i could, it’s almost not fair. all of this stuff happened and i can’t remember any of it. i feel like i deserve to remember it and i can’t. like i lived it so why can’t i remember. i don’t want this part of my life to be something i won’t remember one day. i just really hate that.
i fucking hate my mom’s girlfriend sometimes. she can’t deal with anything she’s a giant bitch who mooches off my mom and sleeps all the time she eats here she does her fucking laundry here and she still won’t move in or marry my mom and i live here full time i don’t have a house somewhere else to go to if i want to you do so if you’re uncomfortable fucking go there. i was watching the newest how i met your mother the other night and it’s called the over-correction and it’s how someone will have someone in their life who their relationship ends poorly with so they’ll go to the exact opposite of that person and that’s what my mom did. her last girlfriend kelly was a trucker she smoked cigarettes she swore all the time she was unreasonable and mean and like in charge but overall just a shitty person. laura is the exact opposite, she plays the violin and she’s a string teacher, she’s very religious and quiet. she’s also needy and essentially a “goody two shoes”. she doesn’t drink, she’s never smoked anything in her life, she was the R.A. at her college. like if that’s not an over-correction what is.