I always want to talk to people about my feelings but I never know if they care enough about me to talk about their feelings so I never do. In other news I went into a strip club to use the bathroom today
I have been so sad lately I dunno I feel worthless and ugly and unwanted I feel like everything I do is wrong and I just want to sleep and cry and be high all the time. I want to be happy and I don’t want to be alone and I really miss my dog and I want to fall asleep but I can’t and I’m miserable and I don’t know why.
Danny talked to me yesterday to tell me he’s going to ask a girl from work out because he’s had a crush on her for a while and I’m really upset. I think it’s because I really cherish the time we spent together and all the stuff we did and all the cuddling and laughing and talking and I don’t want him to do all that stuff with someone else, not so soon anyway.
I am fucking miserable. Danny unfriended me on Facebook and unfollowed me on twitter, but not because he hates me, just because he doesn’t want to have the urge to talk to me and he doesn’t want to see what I’m doing or anything I guess. I hope he didn’t delete my phone number though because I can’t bear not talking to him again. When he’s okay I want him to talk to me and let me know. I hate this a lot and I wish I loved him the way he loves me.
On Saturday I started dating this guy but that same night I hooked up with this other guy and i felt really bad about it naturally so I broke up with the first guy on Monday hahah nice relationship right. But I really miss him. The guy I hooked up with is this guy I’ve talked about before and I’ve really liked him for a while, longer than I’ve liked the other guy. But it’s not fair to the first guy for me to be with him and like somebody else just as much if not slightly more but this other guy, who likes me too, does not want to date me because he just got out of a relationship. HowEVER I have it on good authority that he and his girlfriend got back together after they broke up a little while ago. But he insists that they didn’t. But I don’t really believe him. And I don’t want to wait around for him. I don’t know if he is still with her but if he isn’t I don’t want to keep insisting he tell me the truth if he is really telling me the truth. I just don’t really trust him no matter how badly I want to or how hard I try because he lied to me before. I guess I shouldn’t be having as much trouble with this as I am because based on everything that’s happened I should probably just forget about him, and right now I kind of hate him. But whenever I see him and talk to him I just don’t want to stop. And this first guy was always nice to me and he would never lie but he’s not really as good of a fit for me. Well I used to feel that way but now that everything is said and done I feel like I made the wrong decision and I don’t know if I feel like this because I have to give it time or if I really should try to fix everything I fucked up with the first guy. He doesn’t know I cheated on him, I told him that I liked someone else too that I’ve liked for a while but I thought I was over it and I’m apparently not and that it’s not fair for either of us if we stay in a relationship. I’m just so confused and I wish nothing had ever happened with any of this in the first place because all I’ve wanted to do since Saturday is lay in bed and sleep and cry and not go outside or talk to anybody. I want to forget everything and start over. I feel really fucked up.
Sometimes I’m not sure if I actually feel the things I say or if I just say them because I know that’s what the other person wants to hear.
so i know i already made mad posts about this but i deleted all of them and i’m just going to make one big post about it right now because it’s still a problem i’m having okay okay (this is boy stuff)
So I talked to that boy at work today aand shit kinda went down I dunno I raised my voice at him lol I told him about how it’s not okay to not tell me he has a girlfriend and that he definitely should have said it in person or called me or something better than texting me I don’t know. He kept saying he was sorry and that he feels so bad like once he said I feel like a piece of shit I said you are a piece of shit. He kept saying he wanted to tell me but he couldn’t and it’s like why can’t you just fucking choose you can’t like me and date her you date her and don’t act like you like me or you break up with her and date me so like????? Today after we talked at work he texted me like a half hour after hed left and said “Can I call you when you’re not working? I’m not letting you hate me idc ill do whatever I have to so you’ll be happy again”. He can’t just say stuff like that to me, it’s not fair. None of it is fair he’s not gonna tell his girlfriend he kissed me I told him he should but he said no but he also said that he’s not gonna say he made a mistake kissing me because he didnt which is stupid but nice. I told him I was tired of it not working out with boys and he was like what do you mean you’re 17 there haven’t been that many and it’s like yeah he’s right but really I’m just tired of being treated like shit by boys who think they can just kiss me when they have a girlfriend or get mad at me because I like them or any number of other stupid things the boys I know do and it’s not like I’m one of those girls who looks for boys who treat me like shit because that’s not what I fucking want. I want a boy who’s so nice to me and gives me butterflies all the time and I can talk to them whenever no problem and you know I thought that’s what Oduy was but then I guess he’s not and nothing is fair or ever works out and I’m just so pissed at everything. He told me he’s never cheated on his girlfriend before and I really do believe him because he’s so sweet and there’s no way it’s fake he’s so genuine and nice and cute and I hate him like why did he think that was okay?? He said with me it was different like he said noticed me instantly and that from the first day he met me he thought about me every day and that he can’t explain it it was just this instant connection and the worst part is that I know exactly what he means because I felt the same thing so why is that not enough. He was like I knew that you liked me and we didnt have to flirt or even say anything we just knew we liked each other but he’s been with his girlfriend for a year and seven months and I asked if he was going to stay with her and he said yes. But he kept saying he just wants me to be happy and I was like I can’t just be happy about this and he was like I will do anything to make you happy and I said that he’s not going to do what makes me happy so it doesn’t even matter and he looked at me so confused (why are boys so stupid??? I actually asked him that at one point) and I said I want you to break up with your girlfriend and be with me but I don’t want you to be with me if you’d rather be with her I just want you to want to be with me more and you don’t so. At one point he started to say something like I wish you weren’t doing this or something like that I don’t know but something that sounded like he was blaming me for something and I almost lost my shit but then he was like wait I’m sorry no that’s not what I meant and blah I don’t know what I’m doing or saying anymore I’m just really upset. I started crying at one point (because I can’t control my emotions) and he was like I just can’t stand seeing you so sad you’re never sad and I was like yeah Im not so do you see what you’re doing to me??? Which was like a joke but still he was like yeah I know you’re always smiling and happy and singing and I just don’t understand anything or anyone like I understand nothing at all and I just really wish nothing had ever happened and honestly right now I wish id never met him so.
Dear everybody ever,
If you like someone and you’re in a relationship with someone else there are a couple simple rules to be followed:
1. Don’t tell that person you like him or her without him or her knowing you have a significant other
2. Do not kiss this person while this person still does not know you have a significant other
3. Decide which one you would rather be with before you cheat on/with someone
4. If you’re planning on cheating at least tell the person you’re cheating with that they are assisting you in cheating on someone so they can decide for their selves whether or not they would like to become the other man or woman.
5. If all of these rules have already been broken, DO NOT TEXT THIS PERSON TO TELL THEM
YOU HAVE A SIGNIFICANT OTHER
The dean of Russel Sage gave me her business card the other day because she heard me sing and wants me to be in their production of Les Mis next year. Even better, she came back to my job today to give me the right phone number because she gave me the wrong one the first time. Like does she really want me to be in it that bad I don’t understand but im SO EXCITED.